%^*@$^&%

No pitty party for me.....

BUT

I am having a hard time right now dealing with things......

1. I really really miss my Dad. Time has not made it better or easier. There is not a moment that goes by that I am not thinking of him. I try not to cry,  I hide the tears, and just I want to burst out and scream!!! For some reason mornings are hard for me especially when I am driving to work (because I am alone).....

 I am angry. My heart aches. I want answers. I want my Dad back.

2. Don and I need to work on our communication skills...... BUT then again we all do at times! The stress gets deeper and bigger. But then again THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT....changes, stress, difficult decisions... It would help if we had more (any) time to spend together. If work was not such a stress, we could get out of our routine and make a new one, and it would probably help if we had a nice hot bubbling hot tub to relax in each night. I just cant find a clean working one for free!! 

3. Weight... I am struggling with weight issues. Between my thyroid, PCOS, not getting enough exercise, and of course not choosing the most healthiest foods I am just struggling. I get a new thyroid dose I feel great loose some weight then a few weeks later I feel like I'm about dead again... I go to bed and I say tomorrow is the day...I feel so good. Then i wake up and that feeling is replaced by one that is not as positive. I am in a terrible funk about this right now. Being a person who has been pretty much average weight my whole life this just sucks!! 

 I SHOULD NO BETTER...try harder. But damn it...it is a struggle.

I want to be able to see my daughter grow up

graduate

get married

be a grandma

I will fight. I will do better. I will be as healthy as I can.

4. Abagail is having some MAJOR mommy separation issues right now...This is hard for her to have to go through but just as hard for me to have to leave her. I have to work. Wish I didn't. But I do.

5. I want another baby. We have been "not preventing". Went to my OB and right now even thinking of having another is on hold.....Hopefully a temporary hold... If I come to him already pregnant he will help me and try to make sure I and the baby make it through. But he will not "help" us get there. He is sending me to a liver specialist to get his opinion, running his own tests, and I am going to work on #3 to see if it makes a difference.  He was great and told us the problems we would most likely face with getting pregnant:

Diabetes

 (I had gestational with Abby and it was scary...then was diagnosed when she was a year)

HELLP syndrome

ICP

Liver failure

premature birth

preeclamsia

(I was put on bed rest with Abby @ 6 months due to high blood pressure)

and last but not least death for me and\or baby

 So as I see it right now being pregnant can not be an option.....

THOUGH

I'm working on what is in my power to change... We will see where this takes us.  

And if the answer stays at a no ???

Maybe just maybe.....

I will be patient. I have no choice.

I do have to be honest and say I am happy (NOW) I did not make this appointment to see him because I was pregnant. Abagail IS everything I have and I will not jeopardize me not being in her future. 

6. Money.... I want more. No it wont make me happy but It sure would help.

The good news is Abigail is now on good health insurance so she will be getting her precious little bitty toes fixed soon.

Don and I are breathing a little bit easier with being able to pay a lot of our bills off. We still are not out of the woods but at least we are getting closer.

I have realized (I already knew it is just clearer to me) that my family is everything. They are all I need to make it in this life. They may at times drive me crazy and may not think that I am as important as I think they are to me but I love them and need them in my life.

Yes I still want to send Ruger to "the farm"....but....he is s-l-o-w-l-y getting more manageable.

Plus he is now Abigail's best friend...so scratch "the farm" idea anyway.

 our ALASKA trip is getting closer and closer!

*I feel better now*