Thursday, December 23, 2010



how have I made it through 23 days?
how did I make it through your Birthday?
how will I make it through Christmas without you?
        this is our first year in 5 that you will not be here to celebrate in the morning. You loved watching Abby.....I had to still buy you gifts but instead of them fitting you they are
going to a 5 year old boy named Jacob.
I need you here......We all need you here. I can't look through your stuff I have but each day I smell your shirt just to keep you closer....

I miss you

How I would give anything to have been able to say goodbye,  I wish I could have been with you, comforted you, held your hand. You didn't have to be alone.
How I want one more more more....

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Memories of my Dad written by Don

The first day I met Bill I had gone to his house to pick up Rhonie.   Smoke poured out of the kitchen door as two extremely excited dogs named Reebok and Lucky came running up to check out the stranger…     I remember the way he sat there at his kitchen table with his shirt off, and cigarette burning, I remember the way his diamond stud earring looked against his almost sunburned skin.  But on that first meeting, the detail I will always remember the most was his eyes.  I remember how he looked at me as I came walking through the door way as Rhonie introduced us.  His eyes were green, and reminded me of Rhonies. 
It didn’t take long to recognize he didn’t hold much back when he wanted to say something…He was bold, blunt, and you’d best just buck up around him, or you were liable to walk away with your feelers hurt.  If he had something to say then he’d say it, and it was “matter of fact!”  It didn’t matter who heard him either.  I remember one time specifically:  Rhonie and I were riding in the cab of his truck, and we had come to a stop at the first light we’d come to.  Rhonie I think new what was coming, of course I had no idea.  He rolled down his window, leans out a bit, and starts harassing the people in the car next to us!  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing!  I wanted to duck!  To hide my head!  Really!  The funnier thing is I couldn’t even tell you what it was he had said!  It was certainly no language I had ever heard before!  It was the first time I had heard Bills very own language.  It was extremely embarrassing yet…  It was hilarious!  He of course got the biggest kick out of it!  Needless to say I began watching for what vehicles we might be stopping next to at the next light, and scoping out the passengers to see just what I might be in for!
I remember the day I had asked him to go fishing with me, with the intent of asking him for his daughters hand.  My heart pounded that morning I picked him up, not sure of how this was going to go, or if I could even bring myself to ask him.  I think he could sense how nervous I was, and after I had let several quite moments pass, which would have been the perfect opportunity, he began telling me stories about the old days of hunting and fishing, and getting into trouble.  He had helped me to relax, and just enjoy the day… I never did ask him for his daughters hand, or for his blessing, but somehow it was O.K., but I believe he knew why I’d taken him up that day, and even though I wussed  out,  we’d had an unspoken understanding that day.
Some of my favorite things to do with Bill was to go shooting out in the desert, or to do the gun shows with him.  Doing the gun shows with Bill was always fun.  Even though the show itself might have been the most boring show ever, we would manage to rustle something up to laugh about.  The slow times seemed to provide the most entertainment.  We would sit back and watch the people walk by.  It never took long for him to zero in on a new target to make wise cracks or jokes about.  He would regularly show us just how brave he could be with his comments, which I must say… I honestly can’t believe he never got smacked or slugged!  I was always waiting for the day that he’d go too far, but somehow he’d manage to get right to the edge and then back off just in time.  There were times when I was never so embarrassed!   And there were times when I had never laughed so hard!  That is the Bill I will always remember, both of us laughing so hard our faces were purple!
Bill was a very neat and tidy kind of person.  In fact I think in many ways he was a bit obsessive compulsive… or OCD as they say…  He couldn’t let certain things be left unattended to, like dishes in the sink for example.  He was the only one in my home who knew how to load a dishwasher!  No one else had a brain in their head when it came to loading a dishwasher!  Laundry had to fall on a certain day of the week, which Rhonie loved to foul him up on when ever she figured out what day laundry day would be, and it would just foul up his whole plans for the week of sitting at home doing nothing!  All laundry had to be run through the rinse cycle twice, he cleaned his room on a specific day as well.  He really was quite meticulous.  He had to fold his towels a certain way, you had to rinse the “scaleebus”  out of the sink just so many times, and out of the shower as well.  One time in fact Rhonie went down to his room on laundry day and found him turning all his socks inside out to “DE-LINT” them with a pair of nail clippers before he would put them away!   
                We all have funny habits, I know I certainly have mine… but I must share one of Bills that ended up being some pretty priceless entertainment at our house.  Bill was known for falling asleep in front of the “BOOB TUBE.”  Whenever Bill would fall asleep in front of the television, we could always watch in amazement as how he stayed in that chair!  At times it was unreal!  He would be swaying back and forth, so severely at times that I wondered how it was possible!  It was like his butt was glued to that chair!  Sometimes he’d wake himself up just slightly, open his eyes, and quickly scan the room to see if anyone was watching him, and fall asleep again in an instant!  There were a handful of times where that wonder glue that held his butt in that chair just wasn’t enough, and you heard evidence of the crash rumble through the entire house!  Rhonie and I would run in to make sure he was o.k., and we’d find him sitting in his chair as though nothing had happened.  When we’d start to laugh a little under our breath he’d give us the most sarcastic smile showing you all his teeth!  The looks on his face were priceless!  Those times ended quickly however once my basement was finished and Jayson and Becky gave him a recliner, his days of falling out of the chair were through!  And I have to say it was definitely a good thing too!  Abby used to love sneaking downstairs to see her Poppa, crawl up on his lap and watch T.V. with him, he’d turn the channel over to the animal planet or something and they’d both lay there in that recliner and poppa would gently tickle her arm.  ( and load her up on candy!)  Thanks poppa! 
                Bill was tough as they come, he had a rough edge to him that sometimes rubbed even the closest to him the wrong way…  But let me fill you in on a well kept secret- he was as big a softy as anyone else!  Often times if you got up early enough, you could catch him singing to the dogs, or catch him with a tear or two during a sad show, and even more than a tear or two in emotional movies involving animals such as “Hidalgo.”  Let me tell you the first time he watched that show at our house he was a wreck!  But we pretended not to notice.  He had a great love for animals, why he even hated to see me give nanook a lecture in front of his latest hole in my flower beds.  That love for animals is where Rhonie gets it, and I have to do my best at all times to keep the number of animals in my own home down to just below zoo status!
                I have so many memories of Bill I could go on and on, but one stands out from the rest, and is one I’ll remember personally for the rest of my days.  We were all together at a special family event, it was the end of dinner at a restaurant, every one had just left the table leaving the two of us alone as we signed our checks.  He stood up and walked behind my chair, when I felt his hand on my shoulder, I instantly scooted in my chair so that he could pass- but he never lifted his hand… I sat staring forward wondering if he was about to say something… no words were ever spoken.  He tapped my shoulder a couple times, then turned and walked away.  I had known Bill long enough to know that while he had the ability to tell anybody anything at anytime, (appropriate or not), that he struggled when it came to expressing his other feelings and emotions.  There was another unspoken understanding there, that I heard loud and clear.  That was one of those moments in my life I will  never forget.
                I have seen the Bill Zeller that lay beneath the layers of thick hide that he wrapped himself in.  Those layers were somehow part of who he was, but inside, beneath all that tuff stuff, he was quite a caring and loving man, who wanted to see his family do well, despite the severity with which he teased us all.
                Bill Zeller has left his mark on me and my life, and I will never forget him!

Don and my dad had gotten very close with us living with him for a year and him living with us for almost 6. To hear him get up and read this at my Dad's service touched my heart. I have two very great men in my life.   

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Memories by me...

My dad was a great man. 
He could make you laugh in an instant, make you madder 
then anything in the drop of a hat and then make you laugh some more.

 He wanted everyone to think (and some of you still might) that he was tough as nails. And there was many times when I thought he was. Over the past 7 years I had gotten to know my dad even more though I new him all my life. My dad had a soft heart, he did care about everyone around him, but he just didn’t want anyone to know.  I have 33 years of great memories of my dad. I would just like to share a few.

My dad had a great sense of humor. I remember when I bought my first car and him telling me not to forget my blinker fluid and how he laughed when I came home and told him there was no such thing. I remember him teaching me how to fish and when we went fishing we were not aloud to breath for fear we were scaring all the fish, to shoot a rifle and how Jessie and I would go behind him and bury all the pot guts, how he told us to clean the ska-lee-bis out of the sinks.
I will always remember how he had a name for everyone he would meet, and many more people that just happened to cross his path where ever that may be.  I enjoyed going with him to the gun shows for many reasons but I will always remember how much fun it was watching for the regulars that he had his names for. I enjoyed him telling people to keep their dirty hands off his guns even though he was selling them. He always thought they were ripping him off if they offered him even a penny less then what he was asking. Yet no one’s gun was worth even close to what they were asking. There stuff was garbage. 

 I remember his face when I brought Abby home, the tears in his eyes, he was so happy. When Don would get home from work he would matter of fact tell him I had hid her all day from him in my room, I remember watching him with Kaydon, he had so much pride for his little cowboy, how he cradled Ashton in his arms tight with a big smile, he had such a gleam in his eyes  watching each dance recital and song Camille would sing in the living room, even a small smile  when she would run up and smack him on the belly for sleeping at the table. And I remember when we all first met Erica. You are his first grandchild even though you came into our family when you were a little toddler he loved you with all his heart. 
He will always be your Papa Bill.

I am going to miss you dad. I’m going to miss your fiery attitude, your jokes (even the ones I found not so funny), your smile, and those soft green eyes.    
I love you dad……

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

My Dad....

 My life has changed. My heart is broken. My Dad passed away December 1, 2010. I am missing him more than I could have ever imagined.  
This is a dream I am going to wake up any moment......
 I tell myself this at least once every hour. I can not explain the emptiness in my chest. I think of him all day. What makes this all worse for me is that we will never know why.... 
I ask myself is that better to not know....NO it is not...... 
I worry all day that he suffered. 
I will not go into detail about any of the days preceding his death. But I know he died by himself with know one there to comfort him. I know there was pain and sadness. All of his kids being so sick about what was going on but none of us could do anything to help. I am so saddened that my brother found him by himself with no one to be there by his side to comfort him. Don and I got there very quickly but still. My dad had lived with us for 5 years and had moved just this April because we were selling our home. I know how I felt when he had gotten severely sick once and I would sit by his door listening to him breath just so I could have peace. How I wish this was all a dream. My dad was more to me then just a "dad". I need him now more then ever. I have so many questions. I would give anything for one more hug, bad joke, a smile, even just to have one more minute.  


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Fun in the snow

A few night ago we stayed up to watch Toy Story which is Abby's favorite. She has a woody doll that has started going pretty much everywhere with us. We let her stay up way to late but could not resist some fun in the snow.

What a cutie.....

You get all you see a really sweet ulcer....

Don't get me wrong here I am thankful for many things. I am thankful for Don he is the BEST! I am thankful for Abigail. She is my dream come true. That i have a job, that Don still has a job, that we made the house payment this month, that we are for the most part healthy for the moment, that I have food in the cupboards, that I was able to claim a hardship to get my 401K out to pay medical bills, and that I have a wonderful family. BUT my life has turned upside down and inside out this past year. I sometimes find it hard to be thankful, to look at the bright side, to have faith that it will all work out. If you really know me you know I am for the most part a negative Nelly, I see more frowns then smiles. No I don't like to be like that.....I just am. It has got me through many broken dreams... Abigail has changed my life in every way and has helped me to see the smiles, the light at the end of the tunnel. These are the things I am not thankful for at the moment and they seem to be keeping me up at night and keeping me in a negative light.

Family is EVERYTHING. Your family is who you should be able to count on for anything and everything. We are the ones there for each other forever. That is how it should be. I want Abigail to know her family, be able to count on them, for them to count on her.
My brother has basically disowned us (meaning me and my two sisters) for being a 39 year old kid. He would not come celebrate this day with us, wont talk to us, and does not want us in his life anymore because we are on speaking terms with his ex wife whom he was married to for 15 years..... Why is it our fault that he can not get along with her. Honestly we don't talk to her or do anything with her. We see her and have small chit chat. Even if we were to go hang out who's business is it. She was in our family for a long time, help me through some serious events, gave birth to my niece.... I honestly hope that he grows up and pulls his head out before he truly regrets this. I can not imagine writing off anyone in my family. I guess we all have differences and some of us do not think family is important. I LOVE HIM and will do anything for him. And if tomorrow he needs me I will be there before he even blinks...

I am sure it is not all OK to write about this but I will just a bit. Don's work is going through trouble not just troubles BIG troubles. To see him deal with what he is dealing with on a daily basis is killing me. I can not help and I no he is struggling too. Like I said I wont go into detail for fear that I WILL type to much here. I want to help more then just being there....and I can't. So the stress goes on....

Since our home has not sold in the year it has been on the market Don and I are trying to refinance.... Well the rude, rude, inconsiderate, rude, lady at Outsource Recievables that put a $200 bill on our credit just might have ruined it..... I want to seriously kick her where the sun don't shine. And when I call and explain that we did not know we even owed this, had never gotten a bill, and had already paid it off within the first 20 days they had it she said "Well this is not my problem it is yours and you will have to deal with it for the next 7 to 10 years"  Well all I have to say is enjoy your turkey B...... Seriously????? Come on it took our credit down 50 points!!!!

As of December 1st we no longer will have health insurance due to the fact that we just can not afford it anymore and we are struggling so instead of paying each month and having it not cover anywhere near really helping us we have decided to cancel it. This is scary. I am not insurable due to having  stage 2 liver disease and other health issues. Abigail needs surgery to fix her toes. But it is not worth a penny to have the current health insurance we have now. SO there you go.....

I want to make everyone happy. I want everyone to be happy. I want to win the lottery. I want to not care sometimes.

My Dad is very sick right now. He can die at any minute and he don't care. He has fallen, seems spacey at times, is swollen beyond normal, is struggling to breath, and looks extremely unhealthy. He refuses to go to the hospital even refused to go with the ambulance last night that someone called. They told him if he does not go he will die. His oxygen was at 70. But yet he don't care...or he is just to scared...or he really don't care that he is dying and we are suffering inside by watching him be so stubborn. It will take him away from us. I am not ready for this. Is he? I don't think so but I just don't know. He honestly looks dead. Does he see this? I am so confused right now. Is life not worth living? I have been down that dark road before and I know it all seem unbearable at times but to just suffer. There is no exclamation for this. I dread each morning as I wake up if I am going to get the call, I worry by 10 am if I can't get him on the phone that he is dead, then I worry all day that he has fallen, had a stroke, is lying in a coma, then I worry that he will die in his sleep each night. Somethings in life we will never understand and this is one of them. I love him and when I lose him he will take part of me with him.

So you see why being thankful this time of year is hard for me. I am being (trying) to be positive, trying to keep that smile on my face, trying to really be there for others.... But it is a struggle.

 I really should not publish this post.....but I will.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Craft night.

Abigail and I had a fun night making a turkey bread basket. She loves working with paper, glue, and well anything that looks like it could cause havoc on the house. After about an hour and a half we finally finished with Abby having about an inch of glue on each finger, extra feathers glued to the table cloth and her trying to hide with the scissors. Turned out pretty cute I think.

 She was very proud of her turkey and sat by it for some time....even trying to get Ruger (a.k.a crazy dog)to pose by the turkey.
Nope that didn't work....we are lucky he has not eaten it.
He loves anything with feathers....

My cowgirl

Saturday, November 13, 2010

My loves.

My two most favorite people in the whole wide world. 

Friday, October 29, 2010

Bluebell, Utah.

Since we have the most AWESOME neighbors ever we got to tag along with them to Bluebell Utah! Never heard of the place? Well it is absolutely beautiful! (Don and I will be opening a meat shop there soon) Here are a few of the things we got to do......
Abigail got to ride in the back of the truck with NO seat belt and car seat.....
(and on momma's lap to the corn maze)
She got to drive her first truck!!

Abby and Dad riding Jake the horse...

Momma ridin Jake...
Abby and Brad riding Jake...
Abby with two of her most favorite people...
What a beautiful girl...
Riding the cow train...

Getting lost in the Corn Maze...
Megan watched Abby one night while we went through the haunted part....Aaahhhh It was good. The theme was Hillbilly Hell..

Dad blowing stuff up...
The Monsen's Pumpkin Patch..
Abigail and her pumpkin...
Cow's.. Abigail got to feed a baby cow at the corn maze with Brad. I never seen anything take down a bottle of milk so fast...  We helped harvest their potatoes, I will be growing some next year that whole process just amazes me.

And the most gorgeous horse Remi...
We had so much fun and are very grateful for our wonderful neighbors for taking us. Their family does a corn maze, pumpkin patch, and a whole lotta fun stuff each October in Bluebell and it is definitely worth the drive.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Gardner Village with my boys.

*Gardner Village*
Each October Abby and her two BFF's go to the witches festival @ Gardner Village. We had a great time sitting with the pumpkins, looking at all the Witches, getting Halloween treats and of course lunch @ Archibald's. The last year was a lot easier for us mom's since the kiddo's were a wee bit little. I think we all left with tired feet, tired kids, and I know I looked like and felt like I had been through a tornado! 
Here are some pics of my little monster and her Friends.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Absolute Torture

I don't know how long this movie actually is but every second of it was torture. Abigail liked it though. I just don't think Don and I can EVER sit through this agian!!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

blah, blah, blah....

My blahness has lingered longer then I have liked. I still feel buried up to my chin. I have no patience and this kills me. I quit my 3rd job. Yay!! I felt so much lighter. And it did last for a few days. I am tired, cranky, achy, and just plain tired.

Face that fire....walk right through it....

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Kiss and Tell

Abigail and her BFF Cole hanging out. Cole was trying to kiss Abby and she was having none of it. (this time)

 All that and she wiped it off!
 Dad then told her to go look for Tinkerbell......

No Luck!! Maybe next time...