Thursday, November 25, 2010

You get all you see a really sweet ulcer....

Don't get me wrong here I am thankful for many things. I am thankful for Don he is the BEST! I am thankful for Abigail. She is my dream come true. That i have a job, that Don still has a job, that we made the house payment this month, that we are for the most part healthy for the moment, that I have food in the cupboards, that I was able to claim a hardship to get my 401K out to pay medical bills, and that I have a wonderful family. BUT my life has turned upside down and inside out this past year. I sometimes find it hard to be thankful, to look at the bright side, to have faith that it will all work out. If you really know me you know I am for the most part a negative Nelly, I see more frowns then smiles. No I don't like to be like that.....I just am. It has got me through many broken dreams... Abigail has changed my life in every way and has helped me to see the smiles, the light at the end of the tunnel. These are the things I am not thankful for at the moment and they seem to be keeping me up at night and keeping me in a negative light.

Family is EVERYTHING. Your family is who you should be able to count on for anything and everything. We are the ones there for each other forever. That is how it should be. I want Abigail to know her family, be able to count on them, for them to count on her.
My brother has basically disowned us (meaning me and my two sisters) for being a 39 year old kid. He would not come celebrate this day with us, wont talk to us, and does not want us in his life anymore because we are on speaking terms with his ex wife whom he was married to for 15 years..... Why is it our fault that he can not get along with her. Honestly we don't talk to her or do anything with her. We see her and have small chit chat. Even if we were to go hang out who's business is it. She was in our family for a long time, help me through some serious events, gave birth to my niece.... I honestly hope that he grows up and pulls his head out before he truly regrets this. I can not imagine writing off anyone in my family. I guess we all have differences and some of us do not think family is important. I LOVE HIM and will do anything for him. And if tomorrow he needs me I will be there before he even blinks...

I am sure it is not all OK to write about this but I will just a bit. Don's work is going through trouble not just troubles BIG troubles. To see him deal with what he is dealing with on a daily basis is killing me. I can not help and I no he is struggling too. Like I said I wont go into detail for fear that I WILL type to much here. I want to help more then just being there....and I can't. So the stress goes on....

Since our home has not sold in the year it has been on the market Don and I are trying to refinance.... Well the rude, rude, inconsiderate, rude, lady at Outsource Recievables that put a $200 bill on our credit just might have ruined it..... I want to seriously kick her where the sun don't shine. And when I call and explain that we did not know we even owed this, had never gotten a bill, and had already paid it off within the first 20 days they had it she said "Well this is not my problem it is yours and you will have to deal with it for the next 7 to 10 years"  Well all I have to say is enjoy your turkey B...... Seriously????? Come on it took our credit down 50 points!!!!

As of December 1st we no longer will have health insurance due to the fact that we just can not afford it anymore and we are struggling so instead of paying each month and having it not cover anywhere near really helping us we have decided to cancel it. This is scary. I am not insurable due to having  stage 2 liver disease and other health issues. Abigail needs surgery to fix her toes. But it is not worth a penny to have the current health insurance we have now. SO there you go.....

I want to make everyone happy. I want everyone to be happy. I want to win the lottery. I want to not care sometimes.

My Dad is very sick right now. He can die at any minute and he don't care. He has fallen, seems spacey at times, is swollen beyond normal, is struggling to breath, and looks extremely unhealthy. He refuses to go to the hospital even refused to go with the ambulance last night that someone called. They told him if he does not go he will die. His oxygen was at 70. But yet he don't care...or he is just to scared...or he really don't care that he is dying and we are suffering inside by watching him be so stubborn. It will take him away from us. I am not ready for this. Is he? I don't think so but I just don't know. He honestly looks dead. Does he see this? I am so confused right now. Is life not worth living? I have been down that dark road before and I know it all seem unbearable at times but to just suffer. There is no exclamation for this. I dread each morning as I wake up if I am going to get the call, I worry by 10 am if I can't get him on the phone that he is dead, then I worry all day that he has fallen, had a stroke, is lying in a coma, then I worry that he will die in his sleep each night. Somethings in life we will never understand and this is one of them. I love him and when I lose him he will take part of me with him.

So you see why being thankful this time of year is hard for me. I am being (trying) to be positive, trying to keep that smile on my face, trying to really be there for others.... But it is a struggle.

 I really should not publish this post.....but I will.


  1. ((((HUGS!!!)))) Sorry things are rough for you right now. Wish I was closer to help in anyway!! Let's all hope that the good times are coming and that all this icky bad stuff will just disappear!!

  2. You are all in our prayers. Like you said, just focus on your beautiful daughter and do the best you can with all the rest. Keep going, because you never know what's just around the corner.

  3. I know you love your father and that warms my heart. I know how lost you feel cause I have been lost for yrs.I hate to see You (my children) have to go through this. I wish I had a million dollars, if I did I would give it all to you. But that still won't take your pain away. Just remember your dad is still watching over you. And I will be there for you if you ever need me. My children are my life. and I do know you were all your dads life. I will miss him to. About the other things you are going through, hang in there sometimes life deals you a bad hand. It is to make you stronger and remember GOD will never give you anymore than you can handle. If nothing else in my life I did learn that.So many things I wish I had done or said and so things I wish I hadn't. But life is about learning and the 2 most things I have never regretted is what came out of it our 4 children and 5 grandkids. I hate to see my childrens cry and so hurt more than anything in my life. I wish this would of never happened. I wish I would of stayed with your dad but we are all family and we are all stubborn. I just never knew what to say or do to fix it all but I can't. Just remember I love you all and if you need me I am always here and will be by your side forever. Your mom I wish we could all start over but you only get one chance in life. So hold out your arms and embrace it and know how much you are loved.

  4. I LOVE You and your family sooo much and always will! I feel what you feel. Love your big sister Becky