Friday, March 11, 2011

to heal is not to let go....

I have to admit I struggle each day coming to terms with my dad's death. It was so not his time to go, not fair, and the worst for me to accept is the way it happened. 

I will always remember that day.

 I didn't get to say goodbye. Didn't get to tell him it was ok, he was loved, didn't get to sit by his side and just be there for him. He died by himself with no one there to comfort him. 

I have to believe his parents were there comforting him and helping him thru. They are the two  most amazing people I have ever known.  They had to be there. I find comfort in that. 

I seen him on Thanksgiving and I didn't even give him a hug for fear I would lose it then and there. I few weeks before he passed I had yelled at him on the phone asking him if this is what he wanted is to die and leave us and not want to watch Abigail grow up. He got mad and in his way told me to shut the hell up. If you knew my dad It is normal for him to talk to you like that. Doesn't mean he is mad it is just him. I seen the pain in his eyes, the fear, at times tears, he had to have known, he had to have felt it.

As the time has passed I really expected to heal not fully but a little, not forget, not let go, but to feel at peace with what had happened. To be able to accept the fact that I can not change this. I have no control.  I find myself dreaming of going and seeing John Edwards. I have even mapped out the trip on the computer several times.
Do I fully believe in that stuff?
Maybe... I don't know... 
Anything for a last chance to hear his thoughts, sense of humor, to know he is alright.

I do believe he has been here looking after us making sure we are alright.
In fact Abigail said he told her he went to the Zoo.
 Just like my dad...

 I have some of his things downstairs tucked into a corner of the room. Don said it is time to go threw it.
It might help. But me I am just not so sure.

 A few nights ago while putting Abigail to bed Don told me of an incident that had happened right after my dad had passed. Don said he was putting her in bed and leaning over her when her balloon that was in the doorway started slowly falling from the ceiling then literally went right to them at their level and just hung out.
Me I believe that was him. he was checking on us, on Abigail.
Yes things like that happen but the way it happened is just magical. So as he is telling me this I'm upset that he never shared this before but he said he didn't want to upset me anymore then I already was.
So as I sat there and cried because it made me happy to know he was here if even for a moment.

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