Out with the old...In with the new.

We moved into our home about 6-7 years ago. We finished the basement, landscaped, remodeled some areas, and so on. BUT for some reason we never got around to fixing our 6 old windows. Last winter one broke all the way down and being the rednecks we are we taped it! Finally ordered new windows in February and after patiently waiting they are in! I can not believe how much sun light we were missing.

BEFORE

Bad picture but bad window. Don't know if you can see this well but this window is taped all the way down.

  

AFTER

This is the cracked taped one...now fixed and we can see out of it.

 Bathroom window.

It may be weird to be this excited over windows but we are weird people!!!

B is for boooogies......

I am so done with the zombie virus or whatever the crap I have been suffering with since the 3rd!!

My right ear has no hearing, my sinuses are on complete overload I never imagined my body could make this much (TMI?) boogies, I feel like I have a tumor growing in my throat, my stomach is upset and bloated, the flavor of everything is the same (NO FLAVOR), and I have the worst taste in my mouth and it wont go away no matter how many times I gargle with every concoction on the Internet!

 BUT

 I will report that I have no more fever, body aches, and I can actually swallow.

Which means I can eat, drink, and talk without being in pain.

BUT

Come on! Enough Is Enough!

I feel much better now.

      

to heal is not to let go....

I have to admit I struggle each day coming to terms with my dad's death. It was so not his time to go, not fair, and the worst for me to accept is the way it happened. 

I will always remember that day.

 I didn't get to say goodbye. Didn't get to tell him it was ok, he was loved, didn't get to sit by his side and just be there for him. He died by himself with no one there to comfort him. 

I have to believe his parents were there comforting him and helping him thru. They are the two  most amazing people I have ever known.  They had to be there. I find comfort in that. 


I seen him on Thanksgiving and I didn't even give him a hug for fear I would lose it then and there. I few weeks before he passed I had yelled at him on the phone asking him if this is what he wanted is to die and leave us and not want to watch Abigail grow up. He got mad and in his way told me to shut the hell up. If you knew my dad It is normal for him to talk to you like that. Doesn't mean he is mad it is just him. I seen the pain in his eyes, the fear, at times tears, he had to have known, he had to have felt it.

As the time has passed I really expected to heal not fully but a little, not forget, not let go, but to feel at peace with what had happened. To be able to accept the fact that I can not change this. I have no control.  I find myself dreaming of going and seeing John Edwards. I have even mapped out the trip on the computer several times.
Do I fully believe in that stuff?
Maybe... I don't know... 
Anything for a last chance to hear his thoughts, sense of humor, to know he is alright.

I do believe he has been here looking after us making sure we are alright.
In fact Abigail said he told her he went to the Zoo.
 Just like my dad...

 I have some of his things downstairs tucked into a corner of the room. Don said it is time to go threw it.
It might help. But me I am just not so sure.

 A few nights ago while putting Abigail to bed Don told me of an incident that had happened right after my dad had passed. Don said he was putting her in bed and leaning over her when her balloon that was in the doorway started slowly falling from the ceiling then literally went right to them at their level and just hung out.
Me I believe that was him. he was checking on us, on Abigail.
Yes things like that happen but the way it happened is just magical. So as he is telling me this I'm upset that he never shared this before but he said he didn't want to upset me anymore then I already was.

So as I sat there and cried because it made me happy to know he was here if even for a moment.

I won't forget about you...

If you know me you know I absolutely LOVE coffee! Always have. I like it as dark and syrupy as I can get it. If it has grounds in it its even better. I treasure it! Whether it is a plain cup of Joe, an almond latte, mint mocha, and one of my favorites is a white mocha with and extra shot and almond. I could drink the stuff all day. But since I have been sick and also had been suffering from severe pain from and ulcer I had temporally *tried* to give it up. It has been hard and like I said I have TRIED...

 But now I have to say I am also in love with tea. All kinds really. I like to get it as hot as possible and put a little raw honey in it. I have really enjoyed the Ttraditional Mmedicines brand and Yogi. I wont forget about you coffee BUT It may be a lot easier now to turn you down.

Yes I am bored enough to blog about tea and coffee.... This happens when you actually get time for yourself and still have no idea what to do with it!!

sick of being sick...

Day #6 and this is how I feel....

Since they have now put me on steroids....maybe... this is what i will look like by next week!

I hope not... for one I am not a man and for two this is just WRONG!!

Taken over.

My body has been taken over by germs..........

THANK YOU

To who ever passed these guys to me.

I am enjoying my stuffy nose

headache

sore throat

&

fever.

our eventful week\weekend

Abigail and I started off this week by going to the Children's Discovery at Gateway Mall. We got up early ate a fast breakfast, then headed off to the Trax station. I had promised her we would ride the train. We had a great ride there it just took a little longer then I remembered. We went with two of my friends and their kids Cole and Isaiah. They all had a great time considering the place was packed! We then headed to lunch where Abigail and Cole and Isaiah ate, played tag, and got ice cream all over each other and everything.

Abigail and I had a scary time getting home because I first put us on the wrong trax train and we had to sit with a bunch of weirdo's for the longest time, then when we finally arrived to our drop off we were approached by some other weirdo wanting to give me his candy and go home with us. I of course declined and hurriedly went towards our vehicle as he then ran after us on the trax line to give Abby a hat. It was and adventure alright!!

 

She also spent a lot of time in time out!!! I'm kidding.....she likes to play with her best friend in his kennel for some reason. She asked for me to take this picture!

Saturday we had a fun time with our family for dinner. Don and I made tacos and Abigail and her cuzzies ran around, screamed with joy, and made messes. I am sorry to say i forgot I had a camera and didn't take any pictures. Aunt Sara did so we will have to upload it later...

Sunday we got up (even though mom and dad wanted to do nothing but sleep) got ready and headed to the Living Planet Aquarium. Abigail had a great time and loved loved the stingray's. She was very uneasy at first but then all she wanted was to touch them. She enjoyed watching all the fish and kept asking to see the dolphins. Unfortunately there are none there.

 These.....I forgot what they are called gave Abigail the jeebies over and over again.....

 I have decided next time I want a dog I will get a penguin instead!!

After we were done here we headed to the mall for lunch and Dad was going to take Abby on the train and the Carousal.

Abigail was upset because she picked to ride in this instead of on a horse. The nice lady stopped the ride halfway and let her change to a horse.

SPOILED

 She was telling dad she wanted the horse.

If only you could see her BIG smile.

Now we will go to bed.

%^*@$^&%

No pitty party for me.....

BUT

I am having a hard time right now dealing with things......

1. I really really miss my Dad. Time has not made it better or easier. There is not a moment that goes by that I am not thinking of him. I try not to cry,  I hide the tears, and just I want to burst out and scream!!! For some reason mornings are hard for me especially when I am driving to work (because I am alone).....

 I am angry. My heart aches. I want answers. I want my Dad back.

2. Don and I need to work on our communication skills...... BUT then again we all do at times! The stress gets deeper and bigger. But then again THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT....changes, stress, difficult decisions... It would help if we had more (any) time to spend together. If work was not such a stress, we could get out of our routine and make a new one, and it would probably help if we had a nice hot bubbling hot tub to relax in each night. I just cant find a clean working one for free!! 

3. Weight... I am struggling with weight issues. Between my thyroid, PCOS, not getting enough exercise, and of course not choosing the most healthiest foods I am just struggling. I get a new thyroid dose I feel great loose some weight then a few weeks later I feel like I'm about dead again... I go to bed and I say tomorrow is the day...I feel so good. Then i wake up and that feeling is replaced by one that is not as positive. I am in a terrible funk about this right now. Being a person who has been pretty much average weight my whole life this just sucks!! 

 I SHOULD NO BETTER...try harder. But damn it...it is a struggle.

I want to be able to see my daughter grow up

graduate

get married

be a grandma

I will fight. I will do better. I will be as healthy as I can.

4. Abagail is having some MAJOR mommy separation issues right now...This is hard for her to have to go through but just as hard for me to have to leave her. I have to work. Wish I didn't. But I do.

5. I want another baby. We have been "not preventing". Went to my OB and right now even thinking of having another is on hold.....Hopefully a temporary hold... If I come to him already pregnant he will help me and try to make sure I and the baby make it through. But he will not "help" us get there. He is sending me to a liver specialist to get his opinion, running his own tests, and I am going to work on #3 to see if it makes a difference.  He was great and told us the problems we would most likely face with getting pregnant:

Diabetes

 (I had gestational with Abby and it was scary...then was diagnosed when she was a year)

HELLP syndrome

ICP

Liver failure

premature birth

preeclamsia

(I was put on bed rest with Abby @ 6 months due to high blood pressure)

and last but not least death for me and\or baby

 So as I see it right now being pregnant can not be an option.....

THOUGH

I'm working on what is in my power to change... We will see where this takes us.  

And if the answer stays at a no ???

Maybe just maybe.....

I will be patient. I have no choice.

I do have to be honest and say I am happy (NOW) I did not make this appointment to see him because I was pregnant. Abagail IS everything I have and I will not jeopardize me not being in her future. 

6. Money.... I want more. No it wont make me happy but It sure would help.

The good news is Abigail is now on good health insurance so she will be getting her precious little bitty toes fixed soon.

Don and I are breathing a little bit easier with being able to pay a lot of our bills off. We still are not out of the woods but at least we are getting closer.

I have realized (I already knew it is just clearer to me) that my family is everything. They are all I need to make it in this life. They may at times drive me crazy and may not think that I am as important as I think they are to me but I love them and need them in my life.

Yes I still want to send Ruger to "the farm"....but....he is s-l-o-w-l-y getting more manageable.

Plus he is now Abigail's best friend...so scratch "the farm" idea anyway.

 our ALASKA trip is getting closer and closer!

*I feel better now*

TROUBLE

Abigail is growing sooo big super fast!! She changes so fast, is growing so tall, and is learning everything!! She is starting to blurt out funny sayings, sing little songs, and want to know what everything and nothing is.

 I LOVE IT!

She started wearing her big girl panties on February 8th and is so happy to have them. She tells me at least once a day she hates diapers!! I tell her mom does too! So since them she has to put her underwear on herself. She will tell you lemmedoit really fast about 4 times...Her underwear usually is inside out and on backwards but she is learning. She is now wanting to put her own clothes on and the other day she came out of her room so proud that she dressed herself!

Too cute!

Since she is always in the bathroom we are also running out of hand soap really fast. She has always been fascinated with water. Lately we have found her playing in the toilet, filling the sink up with soapy water, and also she came out the other night handing us a bath toy and stated "here i peed in it".... TROUBLE!!

I always joked with Don that I could not wait until she put her PB&J in the VCR.....But now I don't think it would be as funny.

Last night Dad came home from work to find the toilet in the bathroom that she uses clogged. He asked what happened and of course i did not know. After asking Abigail a few times she told him she put a fish in there. We do not have fish...not even toy fish so I just shrugged it off. After coming home from dinner he went in there and plunged it only to find this.....

Looks like a fish. So we both talked to Abby about what is ok to flush and what is not. She just shook her head and nodded a few times them bolted to our room. Little turkey!! I just reminded Dad that at least it was not a remote or cell phone.......



Our piano

So Don and I decided we would purchase a piano.We both love*love*love piano music. So we are hoping Abigail will also not only love piano music but also want to learn and like to play. Don also wants to start taking lesson's since he did not pay much attention in his younger years and gave it up to be a sexy drummer boy! I would also love to learn BUT I know my brain can only soak up so much and it already seems to be on overload these days.

It was fun to go and look at different pianos. We no NOTHING about them so we really didnt have a clue as to what brand and all but I think we made a great decision. We ended up with a beautiful Weber piano. The peoplewe bought it from are going through a divorce and so they also threw in this...... I forgot what this is called.......

and these three boxes of music books. He also told us that if Don was serious and did learn all this music and he proved it to him he would give us all our money back! So get to work Don!!

There is every kind of music you could think of in these!

And Abby is already practicing with her Grandma.

Dad's helper

 Abigail LOVES to cook, mix, and make all kinds on concoctions. Her favorite is making eggs, casseroles, and stuff that no one dares to taste. I try to have her help make a whole meal once a week. I really enjoy cooking so i hope I can pass that down to her. She also LOVES doing everything her dad is doing. Fixing this, fixing that, painting, learning new skills.  

 Making Root beer with Dad...

 Oh no I dropped the spoon!!

 Dad teaching Abby how to play the guitar...

(no she is not naked...she is in the middle of being potty trained)

 And since Abby loves to color and paint all over the walls Dad is reinforcing this by teaching her how to do some minor home repairs involving painting...

She thinks when we say to smile it means to close your eyes and tilt your head back... funny kiddo.  I am sure in a few weeks we will catch her *fixing* her walls in her room.

Silkies are never what they seem.

Well I am sad to report that our Peaches seen below (she is the buff silkie) is no longer Peaches. She is now Mr. Hamburger head. Yeah that's right! Our third attempt to raise a hen silkie is over and we will have to try number four. A few days ago Don heard some crowing coming from our yard and Peaches is our only hen that had not started laying yet. She used to be small and cute with no attitude. I did notice some changes in *her* slowly but I must have been in denial. Our first attempt will never be forgotten. His name was Moon he ended up being named whitey (and a short time later...roasted whitey)and chased me around the backyard pecking me until my foot bled. He was possessed and hated me for some reason. Maybe we will not try a silkie again....

 Now he is huge and has a I'm in charge here way about him..... This is what Mr. Hamburger head looks like except ours has what looks like at least a half pound of burger growing on top his head!!

He spent a few short hours on KSL.com and now has a new home.

Goodbye Mr. Hamburger Head and good luck with your new ladies!



It seems to me that time is going by way to fast right now. One day runs to the next. Wake up, go to work, work, come home, eat, clean, go to bed. I am thankful that I only have to work part time. The two days I get with Abby all by myself keep me going. She is growing way too fast!

*We live very close to a LDS temple. So we drive by often. Abigail thinks it is a castle. So each time we are even getting close to it she starts screaming there it is there is the castle. A few weeks ago she starts screaming look at the freakin castle over and over and over. Don and I froze because freaking did not sound like freakin. At that point we realized she was saying freaking we started breathing some. We told her it was Jesus castle. So now she screams look mom Jesus castle! A few times she has said I want to go to Jesus. So precious.

*Since my dad has passed away Abigail is 100% sure he is at the Zoo. If you knew my dad you would think (because we do) that he had to have told her that's where he is. She has been to the zoo but I don't think she really knows what the Zoo is. Don and I have talked to her about this and she told up Papa told her he was there. In the past few weeks I have talked with her about this because she seems to be mentioning him while we are driving somewhere. She ask if we are going to get Papa. I have explained that Papa got sick and is with Jesus. So now she lets me know that Papa is at the zoo with Jesus.

* Ruger has become her best Ruger in the world. He is not her friend he is her Ruger. She loves that dog so much that I have to try really hard now to not think about sending him to the farm.

* She is into everything all the time. When you think you have your house child safe....think again. She can find markers a mile away. We have the walls to prove it. Yeah it sucks to have crayon, marker, and high lighter pictures all over but they are cute.

She is my little bebop..